Couple of pounds
by xoxoDesireh
Summary: I looked at her. "Alex, its not enough. Just a couple more pounds." One-Shot Harper/Alex friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**I Do not own Wizards of the Waverly place or any of its characters. **

* * *

_I never saw it coming. It was a solution I had been looking for a long time to find myself, to be the best I could be. It is a cancer, spreading in my mind, killing me slowly._

I don't even remember when it started. I was always different than many other girls in my school, but it never bothered me. I loved being Harper Finkle, my own sparkly self. I was bubbly and loved every morning with it's sun light. I lived life on the fullest. My life wasn't meaningless it was the opposite- I loved life, I loved to watch the sky and dream of another day.

I was never alone. I had a family, I had a best friend.

What else could you ask for?

My life was perfect and my future looked bright.

One single day changed everything. One day. One minute. One second. One apple.

"That's all your going to eat?" I asked Alex, my best friend who sat next to me in the cafeteria.

"I'm not hungry, besides I will eat at home. School food sucks, it's not greasy enough." She laughed and I looked over at my plate. Filled with food.

We ate there like we did everyday. Me and Alex in our own table, we didn't hang around with other kids that much. We didn't need them.

After that I went to drop my plate and looked over the others who did the same. Everyone had food scraps on their plates, some even filled with food. What a waste! I thought to myself and looked over at my empty plate again.

I was home again, it was over seven pm. I had come home for dinner from the Russos.

I walked in my room, my beautiful room filled with colors and a heavenly scent of fresh flowers.

I passed my mirror. Usually I just passed it and never stopped to stare. This time I looked, harder.

Why couldn't I look like every other girl in my high school? Why did I have to have those thighs? That stomach? That rounder face? Being a teenager was supposed to be exciting, when girls dated for the first time and giggled over boys and kisses. I had never even been kissed and definitely had no dating prospects. Okay, maybe I wasn't the heaviest girl in the world, but why couldn't I be normal. I didn't want to be curvy, I wanted to be lean and long. People who were long and lean belonged to the fashion world. I wanted it so badly, to be part of it. Not as a model, a designer. A real fashion designer, but looks mean everything in that world. Maybe I could lose just a couple of pounds.

"Harper! Dinner!" My mom yelled from downstairs.

"I ate at the Russos! I'm not hungry." I yelled back, not hesitating my words at all.

"_To be thin, no price is too high. The sky's the limit"_

A week passed. I survived with occasional snacks and water. Lying to my mom and dad wasn't hard, they believed my every word. I was doing a lot better than I expected. In fact, by the time four or five days had rolled by, I didn't even feel hunger anymore. It was amazing, and I was finally starting to see some results. I had dropped eight pounds in a week! My skirts were looser and I was so excited. Sometimes it was harder, the smell of food was inviting, but my mind was stronger- this was for my future. The best part? Nobody even noticed it. That time I had started to exercise more.

I pulled on my jogging pants and took off. I didn't really like jogging, but figured it was the very best way to melt the weight off. I jogged until I felt like I was going to die. T-shirt soaked with sweat and hair looking as though I just came out of the shower. I had to do push myself far. This wasn't enough. I kept going, running faster and faster.

My heart pounded and I felt like quitting, but I wasn't going to. I was never going to quit.

_"I'm not starving myself..I'm perfecting my emptiness." _

"Harper is everything okay?" Alex looked at me.

"I'm fine." I spat out.

"Lets go downstairs and get something to eat."

Eat? Was she serious? She could never understand me. Alex didn't need to go throw what I needed to go throw. She was thin and she didn't have to do anything about it. She was thin, beautiful and she had everything that I didn't.

"I need to go home." I grabbed my bag.

"I thought you would be staying for the night?" She asked me in her tank top. Tank tops- those I couldn't use because of my fatty arms.

"I forgot about something." I lied to her and stormed out.

_"I'm tired of feeling so alone"_

After not having eaten a thing in two weeks, I lay on the floor after having just weighed myself. I arch my back to the ceiling, and feel the beauty of my porcelain skin and feeling the ridges of my ribs that pop out even when I'm standing. Not enough. Still I feel the awful baby fat on my thighs. It was Saturday. I had cried in my room for three hours. It was exhausting, I couldn't lie to everyone all the time. I had to go to the dinner table and eat. I hated it when they watched me eat. I could hear their voices call me _fat_ for even touching one piece of chicken. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to quit eating. I didn't need food, I didn't even feel hungry. Why would I eat when I'm not hungry?

My phone buzzed next to me on the floor, it was Alex.

I didn't want to see her, talk to her or even look at her. She only made me feel worse.

I skipped school sometimes, but nobody knew. When I was at school I tried to be myself. Alex had no idea. She always had her own plans and she never noticed if I skipped a lunch or even a meal at the cafeteria. I could hide everything with a baggy shirt and a purge. No one knows. No one noticed.

I had to get up to exercise. I had grown to love the pain in my stomach.

Its what I needed to feel complete in some sense. Just a couple more pounds and I'll quit. Couple more pounds.

_"Taste had been forgotten"_

6 months and two days had passed. I looked at the scale and hoped the numbers to go down, but they wouldn't. They wouldn't budge. 99 pounds.

I was just a ghost of myself, but still fat. I look in the mirror, and stares at myself.

My awful figure, my fat all over the mirror, but under my clothes, my bones stick through.

Why cant I see it? Why do I look like this? My mind screamed.

I stood there alone with tears in my eyes.

My swollen knuckles red and raw, my hundreds of cuts shattering my skin.

I punch my stomach and thighs again. Wishing my fat away.

_"her yellow-tinged skin and her vulnerable heart"_

"You need to eat. Please! Harper eat!" Alex cried over my hospital bed.

My second time here. In the same hospital maybe a same room. I don't remember.

Talking to someone who betrayed you was hard. She let me down, she was supposed to be understanding about everything. I bet she just got imitated because I was skinnier than her. Alex had to ruin everything by going to my parents and telling them about my _situation. _There was no situation! I just needed to lose some weigh - simple as that. I'm alive, breathing. Why cant they leave me alone?

"Harper I'm begging you, please. I can't lose you." She still cried.

"I'm not going anywhere silly." I smiled weakly.

"That's what you said last time just before your heart stopped. You promised me, your parents that you would get better. You've been doing this long enough, I'm begging you to stop."

She looked at me, but I looked away.

"Please," She cried again, this time harder. Her face was torn between grief and pain.

I looked at her. "Alex, its not enough. Just a couple more pounds."

_Every time you starve_

_I cut and cut not on my skin, but on my very heart._

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I wrote this is **Harpers pov** because I wanted to write something about her and I felt like this was something I needed to write for myself.

And yes its based in my own experience and what _it_ did to me. It took me a quite while to write cause I still haven't really understood why it happened to me.

I don't want any pity, or anything else. I just wanted to write. Its my disease and I caused it, but in the end- Im one of the lucky ones who have survived anorexia.

_xoxodesireh_


	2. For my angel

I've been trying to figure out how to start this, but I can't come up with anything that would make this easier for me. I'm not even familiar with this site and right now this all is very confusing. I'm doing this for my sister, Desiree who unfortunately isn't here with us anymore. Desiree passed away on December 11th 2010 for dehydration and kidney failure. I'm not sure where to begin because its been really hard. I have been going through her stuff for a couple of weeks now and found this sticker with her username and password for this site. I was curious enough to take look and now I'm grateful I did.

I was not there for her when she was struggling and it made me feel better when I found out that she had been communicating with people through internet in someway, that she had someone who to talk to. I know this must be very weird for people to read, but I am trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what was she doing and who was she talking to before she passed away. My sister had BDD, _Body dysmorphic disorder _and was battling against _anorexia_ and _bulimia _for over 5 years.

Honestly, I hadn't seen my sister in almost a year because she did not want to see me. I was the one who was always pushing her into treatment and when she turned 18 she moved into her own place and that's when she stopped talking to me, to our whole family. I was so mad at her and angry that I gave up. I felt like I was making the situation harder for her and backed away when she kindly asked me to.

The grief that we feel right now is unbearable. At the same time I feel relieved because I know that she is with God now and in peace, but still I feel like I lost a part of myself. I can't blame her for this. I can't blame anybody which makes me frustrated. The reason why I want to share my sisters story here is also to help others. Most of you are girls, teenagers just reading these stories (?) and I want people to know that this pressure that drove my sister into losing herself is horrifying.

I want you to know that its okay to be different and I wish Desiree had seen that.

I watched by as she destroyed herself for others. She could not see the beauty that I saw, inside and out. There were days when she wouldn't step out of her room because according to her she was too ugly. I cant even count how many times she did that. I've been sitting in her bedroom for three hours now and I still cant comprehend that I'm doing this. I'm writing her goodbyes to people who she probably didn't even know, who I don't even know. I'm sorry that she isn't here to finish this. I'm trying to understand her decisions, but in a way I can't. I'm mad at her for tearing up our hearts.

I can't even explain how much I miss her. I miss my sister. I miss my best friend.

I know me and my family will make it through, but it will take time. My little sister is an angel now and I want to remember her the way she used to be.

Her big heart and fun personality. Her bubbly laughter and her sparkly eyes.

I just wish I had gotten the chance to say that I love her for the last time.

Don't take love for granted. Show your love before its too late.

Help your loved ones if they are sick like my sister was. Don't give up. Don't leave them behind.

If you talked to my sister in anyway, please contact me through this account and I will give you my email.

Or if you just need advice considering these diseases, please dont hesitate to ask.

xxx

When the clouds part and a ray of sun shines through

We look to the sky; and think of see our tears and feel our ache

We breathe you in with each breath we take

There is no need to miss, what is not gone

For us, you are right here, where you belong

You are the suns warmth on our face

Guiding us through this dark place

You are the whisper of the wind through the gentle sparkle in a stars light

You are the colors of the rainbow after a summers rain

Dazzling, vivid color's nothing could ever tame

You are the elegance found after a first snow

That small, beautiful, blinding glow

You made your own path from the start

And we continue to carry your footprints on our heart

When we stop to think of all we miss

Look around and think of this

Something so special & rare could never fade &

That is how we know you stayed

Because when the clouds part and that ray of sun shines through

We will smile, knowing that glimmer is you.

Rest in peace little sister,

Your big sister Sarah


End file.
